Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize