Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
