We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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