Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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