Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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