You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
