Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The air was thick with penises
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
