i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize