THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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