I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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