I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
