I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize