You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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