I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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