sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
