if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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