Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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