I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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