he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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