I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize