you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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