I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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