I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
