The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
