I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
