Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
