Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
