she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
