I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
