totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
