The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
