You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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