Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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