so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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