she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
