dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
