matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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