Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
