I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
