I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
