apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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