everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
