I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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