I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
