Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
