I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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