It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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