i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
