The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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