I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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