How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
a search helicopter?!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
