I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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