Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
