Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Text me some of your sweat
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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