Porn is love you can see.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
