the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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