In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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