Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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