I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
