I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
