Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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