Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
