last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
