did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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