so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Randomize
