I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
