I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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