dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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