Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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