Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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