can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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