Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize