Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm passing your future prison.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
