well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
