who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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